Monday | cmonroe88's Blog

Well, I am trying it out, blogging...I don't really know what I do here, is it like a diary? Just spill out whatever is in my head? Well it's my blog and I'll just do whatever I see fit I guess. A good starting point would be I am 24, live in KCMO, getting ready to start school AGAIN, hopefully this time I make it. Anyway, a year ago my fiance left me, he's since moved to a new town, started dating someone new and it had devastated my life....I had my future planned out with him, we had kids named picked out, looking to move in together, and one day he was just done...I knew he had cheated before in the relationship but I just loved, and still do, him so much I could look passed that. It's a struggle every day to not just lay in bed....it's been a whole fucking year and I am still hung up on this asshole....really his is, about 3 months after the break up, we had no contact, he refused to explain or talk or anything, he called me out of the blue, told me he was sorry that he was just panicked and got scared, so we started talking slow again, still said I love you and all that, but then about a month after this started he revealed he was living with a new girlfriend 3 hours away....He didn't even tell me he moved....I should of known....Love makes you blind I guess, I wrote him off that time for good...it's been so hard. I really do have the most amazing friends though who helped me more than they know this summer, I struggled so hard, honestly, there were TWO days, serious, two days this whole summer I wasn't drunk. I turned to drinking and smoking pot constantly because it dulled the pain, I just got drank and high and laughed, really it was one of the best summers of my life. There would always be that time though when a song came on the radio or I'd see something that reminded me and I was just break down into tears, no matter where we were....Once we were all driving in the car to a party and a song came on and Madi, my best friend she knew I couldn't listen to it so she changed it as quick as she could but it was too late. Sitting in the passenger seat, vodka 7up in hand I took about 7 shots in a row and just bawled my eyes out. Yesterday was a particularly bad day, I don't know why....just woke up sad, I laid in bed all day and watch Parks and Rec.....which is a hilarious show lol. I was just so down I couldn't get out of bed, I didn't want to see my family, they know I still hurt about it, they know I get into bouts of depression and they try to help but there isn't really anything that can be done...I guess I just have to grow and wait.....I could just write a book about all this....I just want to feel normal again, I want someone to kiss, to laugh with and cuddle and hold hands....I want all that back. Recently I met what I thought was a really great guy. We went on a few dates, got along GREAT, we had so much to talk about, laughed, kissed, made each other dinner one time, I liked him a lot, but then he just kind of stopped talking to me....I get the feeling this is his M.O....so lesson learned I suppose....shit though...Where is my Mr. Right? I have been trying to live my life better to meet to the right guys but all I can tell myself is it's not time yet. I know God had a plan for me but I just wish I knew what it was....I am tired of being alone.