I am so tired of being by myself and alone...I don't know what to do. I really for the longest time I thought I was ok and moving on but I met this stupid fucking guy who made me really like him by being just awesome and then he turned out to be a huge dick and now I am back to where I was and it just brought up all the feelings I thought I fought so hard to get past. I just started crying out of no where...I can't stop. What the hell. I swear to God it better be hormones from my fucking period because if that asshole got me pregnant I will just be even more fucking mad and crazy. I am just sad....a sad pathetic girl with a foul mouth who just wants to be in love and have someone love me back.....is that so much to ask? I don't know what to do with my life anymore. School starts soon and I am excited for that but....I really just want to be loved...I planned my life around someone who walked out of my life a year ago and I am still in shambles no matter what I try to do. Nothing helps me feel better, I don't want to do anything, I just want someone to love me....Oh my gosh how many times does that run thru my head a day, oh try a million. I am just so sad....I can't stop crying, I am just repeating myself but I can't help it.....What's wrong with me....I don't want to be alone....I have my friends and my family but I want someone to be with, I want a real loving respectful, caring relationship.....I keep telling myself God has his plan for me and right now this is it...the right person just isn't in my life yet but when will they be? I want it now. I can't find a job or a good guy or make myself happy. I have thought about doing the worst for the longest time. I tried to this summer, I thought I was thankful my friend found me and made me throw up for hours but now I'm not.....I'm thankful I have people who care about me but I don't want to be here anymore, I am constantly sad and depressed....I can't get happy. If I can't fix it soon....I don't know what I will do.
So I haven't left my room today, just looking up homeopathic remedies for basically everything in the world lol....in a few hours I will have a crazy avocado hair mask, gelatin facial peels and yea, I'll admit it, a coffee enema. They are really good for cleansing you AND I have had an awful cold for a few weeks and supposedly enemas aid in recovery from sickness because they help flush toxins and bile from the liver so you're body can process your blood more efficiently. Hopefully all this will put me in a bit of a better mood. I am going to also start working out again, fell off that band wagon after my car accident last year. Raw foods and working my way to vegan again is a good goal for me. I swear, if any of you actually read these on a normal basis you will see how crazy my highs and lows are. I am always getting into weird stuff and then having the time of my life, but the next day it's like I am just stuck under a rock in a bottomless pick of despair. Well that's not the case today. So those are my plans for now but later I will probably go see some friends, apply for more jobs, pray for me on that front please! I need a job desperately!! Is it weird that I've been fasting all day and most of yesterday and I am pretty excited for an enema.....? I've done then before they really do make you feel better after but if you have never done one, def start with salt water, it can get a little uncomfortable and sometimes the things that your body expels blow your mind....weirdtown alert on that one if you try! I can give you my recipes for all my masks, hair treatments, everything, I've really gone natural these past few months, I try to use as many natural things on my body as possible, everything you put on your body will be absorbed into your skin so it only makes sense. Plus I feel like I am doing something good for myself seeing as my liver and lungs probably hate me because of my excessive drinking, smoking and pill use. It's a balancing act, lol
Anyway, so Xander, the boy I like, I asked him to go out with some friends and I last night, he said it sounded fun, asked me what time and then I didn't hear back from him....wtf, when we do hangout we have tons of fun, kiss, laugh whatever, but he is the worst with communication, is this just a guy thing, should I give him a little time to come around and see if he is just being cautious or is this a bad sign....? I know it always differs from one situation to another but dang boy! I have made it obvious I like you, you've made it clear to me you like me, make a move....or do I have to? I mean I have no problem making the first move but, call me old fashion, I think it's nicer if the guy does. I don't know. If I have anyone who reads all this, even though it's a fairly new blog, I'll keep you updated on the beautifications about to take place and my ever swinging up and down love life. Love you guys
Everything went AWESOME. enema and all haha, def will be doing all of it again, I feel amazing, my skin looks absolutely glowing and is SO soft, my hair is shiny and soft, no frizz, just awesome. I'll post my recipes if you want them just let me know.
I met this awesome guy, we have been on a few dates and I know I'll get grief on this one, we have slept together. We get along SO well, he is really funny, nice, so polite, opens doors for me, pulls out chairs, we have a lot in common. I get butterflies thinking about him, I think he could be a big part of my whole growing into a new person and out of the shell of the sad girl I was. My ex fiance is someone I will always love and while it still hurts sometimes to think about I am ready for someone new I feel like...how soon is too soon to start a relationship with someone new? I met him like two weeks ago, we've been out together and to his house a few times, we just really get along well. The thing that gets me here is he is kind of quirky which I love and he isn't big on being on the phone, he hardly uses it, which is fine whatever BUT sometimes he will take hours to text back or maybe not even until the next day, and we'll go a few days with no communication but then we will hang out and everything is awesome....is that a little weird or just me being cautious and a girl in general? I don't know...
I swear I am so up and down with my emotions I am surprised I can function! I have only had a few people comment on my stories and blogs but I can already tell how much it helps just to get it out and write it down, have people let me know I'm not alone. It gets old talking to my friends and while I know they are always there for me I am sure they get tired and would wish I could just get over it already...it's hard though, I am taking it step at a time, in general I am happy, I have great friends, seriously the best ever, we always have so much fun and I know I don't need a boyfriend or anyone for that matter to make me happy but it sure would be nice to have someone I could kiss and hug and just know that I'm theirs and they're mine...it's a nice feeling. I am a better person for everything I have gone through and not one foot step taken has been a regret. I know I am working toward who I am supposed to be and where I will end up, right now it's just an uphill hard journey....learning lots of lessons...I am just ready to be completely happy again. I want him out of my head. He still has....not him....what we had, has a hold over me. What we were, the happiness we had and the plans we made, the sense of security and now I am stuck in the unknown.I miss the knowing. He was part of all that but HE is not the one who will break me, those plans were made and broken, and that happens and I am getting passed.....I am not the same person so I wonder why I want the same thing.....I don't know, I am still in limbo, still growing and learning and someday I know I'll reach that point I just want it sooner than later. Thanks for listening and being there to anyone who takes the time to read this, it means more than you know.
Ok so I have officially xanied myself out and slept for three days straight, except for Saturday when I got way too drunk and slept with a friend and had chinese food the next morning to ease the hangover....a legit weekend. I have a problem I know....but he bought me a pack of cigarettes. Seriously whats wrong with me. I take the medication I am supposed to but I am still bat shit crazytown.Three day binger of watching Parks and Rec and taking xanax until I fall asleep. I have watched the same 8 shows this whole weekend because I keep forgetting what happens....I literally haven't left my room....Bahhhhh whats my problem. I am so sick of going to my friends house every night to to watch stupid basketball and drink too much and get high...I mean I like the drinking and smoking part but shit....I go to their house just so I don't have to be alone, it's too hard to deal with myself, I can't handle it.
Well, I am trying it out, blogging...I don't really know what I do here, is it like a diary? Just spill out whatever is in my head? Well it's my blog and I'll just do whatever I see fit I guess. A good starting point would be I am 24, live in KCMO, getting ready to start school AGAIN, hopefully this time I make it. Anyway, a year ago my fiance left me, he's since moved to a new town, started dating someone new and it had devastated my life....I had my future planned out with him, we had kids named picked out, looking to move in together, and one day he was just done...I knew he had cheated before in the relationship but I just loved, and still do, him so much I could look passed that. It's a struggle every day to not just lay in bed....it's been a whole fucking year and I am still hung up on this asshole....really his is, about 3 months after the break up, we had no contact, he refused to explain or talk or anything, he called me out of the blue, told me he was sorry that he was just panicked and got scared, so we started talking slow again, still said I love you and all that, but then about a month after this started he revealed he was living with a new girlfriend 3 hours away....He didn't even tell me he moved....I should of known....Love makes you blind I guess, I wrote him off that time for good...it's been so hard. I really do have the most amazing friends though who helped me more than they know this summer, I struggled so hard, honestly, there were TWO days, serious, two days this whole summer I wasn't drunk. I turned to drinking and smoking pot constantly because it dulled the pain, I just got drank and high and laughed, really it was one of the best summers of my life. There would always be that time though when a song came on the radio or I'd see something that reminded me and I was just break down into tears, no matter where we were....Once we were all driving in the car to a party and a song came on and Madi, my best friend she knew I couldn't listen to it so she changed it as quick as she could but it was too late. Sitting in the passenger seat, vodka 7up in hand I took about 7 shots in a row and just bawled my eyes out. Yesterday was a particularly bad day, I don't know why....just woke up sad, I laid in bed all day and watch Parks and Rec.....which is a hilarious show lol. I was just so down I couldn't get out of bed, I didn't want to see my family, they know I still hurt about it, they know I get into bouts of depression and they try to help but there isn't really anything that can be done...I guess I just have to grow and wait.....I could just write a book about all this....I just want to feel normal again, I want someone to kiss, to laugh with and cuddle and hold hands....I want all that back. Recently I met what I thought was a really great guy. We went on a few dates, got along GREAT, we had so much to talk about, laughed, kissed, made each other dinner one time, I liked him a lot, but then he just kind of stopped talking to me....I get the feeling this is his M.O....so lesson learned I suppose....shit though...Where is my Mr. Right? I have been trying to live my life better to meet to the right guys but all I can tell myself is it's not time yet. I know God had a plan for me but I just wish I knew what it was....I am tired of being alone.
Previous PostsUgh, posted January 26th, 2013
Homeopathic Remedies now, debauchery laters, posted January 24th, 2013
Wednesday- Advice please!, posted January 23rd, 2013
Tuesday-left the house before posting. sorry, posted January 23rd, 2013
Monday, posted January 21st, 2013, 2 comments
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